So…..

Like I said, it has been awhile since I last post something on my blog.

How long was it? About a month? Yeah, a month. At least. Maybe. Give or take. I don't really know.

Heh just to show how long it has been if I can't even remember it. Sigh… A lot has happened since the last time I posted. A lot of things. A lot.

If you haven't realized it yet, I'm trying to stall here. I really don't feel like writing right. I'm afraid to write something b'coz I might just say the wrong things to the wrong people. I'm afraid to write anything b'coz I don't want to write the things in my life that I considered unreal, while in fact, there are. Real.

Basically I'm just don't want to write. So I could still cling to that tiny slit of hope of escaping the inescapable outcome. Evading the vice grasp of cruel inevitable reality. But alas, write I must. It's the only thing that can make me forget the things I held strong in my mind. The only thing that can help me let go of the past.

Even if it hurts in forgetting. Even if it hurts letting go. Write, I must do, I will do, until it is complete. (dramatic enough?)

So my life… Sigh… what can I say about my life? My life is like history. It's like a fucking mess. No, not 'like'. It 'is' a fucking mess. Just like history. It's just one fucking thing after another.

I don't know why it's been like this. Maybe I just haven't been paying much attention how I live my life. I've been taking everything for granted. Take it without questioning. Leave it without reasons. Maybe I thought everything would always stay the same. Always. That nothing could change anything. Well, time is a cruel adversary. He gives you priceless memories for awhile but takes them away forever.

Hell where did I went wrong? Everything have gone downhill from back then. Well it feels like that to me anyway. J just didn't notice it yet. Maybe I didn't want to notice it. Maybe I chose to ignore it than acknowledge. If I did, perhaps I wouldn't feel as bad as I feel right now.

It's like everything I know have been turned upside-down and inside-out. Or which way whichever. I'm not even making any sense. Sigh.

It's a fucking mess. My friends are leaving me. Even the one and only person I thought I liked, in a long time, totally think nothing of me…

Other than that, my life seems . . . dandy. Yup, it's 'dandy'.

Sigh. Since this is in writing, you wouldn't be able to see me shaking my head, which by the way I'm doing right now. It's nice. Looking back how much a disappointment you are in your own eyes. You should try it sometimes. Note the semi-sarcastic remark.

Silence…..

Fine. Ha ha ha. I know I'm not funny. Move along.

So what else do I need to let out…right, maybe I should start by explaining why my life is such a fucking mess. (Note : I know I don't usually words like 'fuck' but I'm a lil pissed off right now so I don't really give a shit. So let me have this chance to convey my feelings.)

Yeah so…*nervous laugh*

My friends are leaving, so that'll be good. Ok, maybe I should rephrase that. My friends are "leaving" the school to "go" to "another school". Some of my friends anyway. Some didn't like some of the curriculum so they decided to transfer. Others were given some kind of scholarships they have to go since they are so smart for their own good. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said. I should be congratulating and wishing them luck instead of bitching about it. Now I'm going to be alone. Once again. Yeah I would still retain some of my old friends but it wouldn't be the same, you know? We've all been together for so long. Well if I'm getting this emotional, perhaps we've been together 'too' long. Heh.

I know we would eventually go our separate ways but it's just too soon. Too soon to say goodbye. Too soon to accept them going. I know we wouldn't see each other every morning of each day of our lives but it's just too soon. I really don't want them to go, to be honest. I want them to stay. But it's for their future, I know that, so I really can't say anything. It's not my place. I want them to stay. All of them. Heh maybe I'm just a fat spoiled brat, acting like this.

The times we spent together in the past. There were a lot of fun things we did. But there were a lot of bad things too. There've been a lot of bad things happening now too. It's like things are not like it's used to be. Damn it . . . this wasn't meant to be an 'emo' confession type of post. *shudders* I really hate myself.

This sucks. I can't even stay mad without getting all emo-like. Well, that's human for you. Always get emotional over the slightest changes. Or maybe that's just me?

Anyway, I don't want them to go yet. Not now. Sure, I would still have our memories but I still want them here in person. So we can have more memories to come. I know, that sounds really lame and corny and stupid but that's how I feel. I will miss my friends. So if you guys are reading this, I hope you know how much I will miss you guys. And that I would probably never speak to you guys again if you go. Haha joking. Obviously. But it's not too far from the truth you know. The only way we would communicate is through MSN, which we would not technically talk. Except if we use microphones.

Anyway, seriously, I will miss you guys, wish you the best of luck and I hope we will meet again. Someday. Someday when all of us are a lil bit older, and maybe a lil wiser, leading our own lives and maybe, just maybe, we could be like what we used to be. Friends. Everlasting friends. Forever friends. Good friends. Well, I guess that's it for now. This is still part one of the story, so keep checking back, k?

See ya.

Jim.