I miss the old days. 

The days when we could just laugh.

The days when we could just talk about anything.

The days when we could just be who we are.

Without judgement. From anyone.

But now... things changed. 

We've changed. 

I've changed. 

And I'm still not sure if it's a good change or not.

It's December now. The last month for the year 2008.

Another year has come and gone in a blink of an eye without me noticing.

A year filled with forced smiles and sad laughter.

But there were a few rays of hope. Here and there. Throughout the year. 

A few chances to prove to others. To ourselves. That we could do it. 

Even if we didn't believe it ourselves at the time.

This year, we have strived and conquered our fears.

We explored and discovered more about ourselves and others. 

Discoveries that we would not expect.

This year was a difficult year for me.

It took me a long time to get used to things. 

I'm still not accustomed to things I think. It just feels weird. 

I'm not that type of guy who makes friends easily. 

In fact, almost all my friends are indirect friends.

Like they're my friends' friends. 

I could never make friends on my own.

You may think that it is stupid and untrue. 

But it is. True I mean. At least that's how I feel.

So maybe that's why I feel that it is much more important to hold on to the friends I do have instead of making new friends. Makes it easier.

I guess you could say I'm a shy guy. If I don't know that someone that well, I would seem to give them the cold shoulder. Or that at least I don't really talk to them. 

Not that I don't want to talk to them, I do.

Just that I don't know how to startup a conversation just like that.

You must think that I must have lived in a cave when I was kid, had a sheltered life away from the crowd, or maybe that I had a traumatizing experience in my early years, to be the way I am. 

Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. I can't say for sure. 

What I do know is that I've been like this for awhile and I don't think I'll ever change.

The way I just describe myself up there makes me sound like a freak. 

Hahaha not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. 

I'm just feeling a little distant these days. From anyone. 

Like everyone went on some journey somewhere and I was left behind, to fend off by myself.

Besides finding it hard in making new friends, it was also hard in adjusting myself in my studies. 

Like I didn't learn anything for the last five years. Everything seems so new to me. 

I know that I've learn most of it before but now, time was like rewinding itself. 

I found it so difficult to study and yet found it so easy.

It's like I could understand everything but I just could not process it.

There were just too much expectations. From the teachers. From the parents. To do well in examinations. 

The way they keep saying those things that they always say makes me think that they think we don't know how important it is for our future. 

We know. You think we don't know?? I think about it everyday. 

All these questions keep popping into my head. I'm lucky I haven't gone crazy. Yet. 

It's a weird feeling. Knowing that everything we do, this year, next year, the year after that, et cetera, is what decides what kind of future we are going to face.

I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility. Not yet. Not now.

Not to mention, the single most important thing a person could have in their life. 

Love. 

Yeah, I said it. It used to be an important thing in my life. Thought I couldn't live without it. 

But these last few months, the more I think about it, the more I keep trying to rationalize it, the more I feel less about it. 

I think I've mentioned how much I like crushes. You could say I'm addicted to it. 

I know crushes could not be compared to love. They're are both two different things. 

Both with their own meanings and causes and consequences.

But I can't deny that both requires the same feeling. At least in my case, something similar.

I think I had two crushes this year. One I tried my best, and the other I just didn't bother.

Once was bad enough. 

No matter how much I tried, I couldn't make it happen. I couldn't make it work.

It just didn't matter. If it was only me feeling that way.

So I just gave up. I moved on. 

There won't be a single day I won't be thinking about it. But I'll try and move on.

I'll find someone. Someday. I know that. Maybe I'll start looking again when I'm at college or something. 

But for now, I'm just gonna work with what I have. With what I can. And hope for the best.

Overall this year was a weird year for me. I didn't fit in well. Didn't get good grades. Lost the one I like in a very long time even before anything happen. 

I just hope next year will be different. 

Even if just by a little. 

Bye guys. Till next time. :)