Seriously, I feel stupid. In everything I do. Every single thing.

Okay maybe that’s a little too general. Let me explain why I feel this way.

Basically this week is not a very good week for me.
Heck it’s been a rough couple of weeks.
Everything just did not work the way I wanted it to be.

I’m so f-ing tired. Tired of school. Tired of life. Tired of smiling and laughing and making jokes all the time when in fact, I feel like I just want to run away and hide. Like I want to lock myself away from the world. I just want it all to end.

I know I shouldn’t used the word ‘end’ so casually. But that’s how I feel.
It’s not like I’m going to kill myself or anything like that. I’m not an idiot.

I guess the appropriate word of what I’m feeling right now is that of ‘anger’.

I’m angry. I’m frustrated. And I’m confused.
I might not show it but I’m angry. I’m angry at everyone.
But mostly, I’m angry at myself.

Anyway let’s talk about what is happening in my life right now.
School is the same as always. Always there waiting for me.
Nurturing me to become a better person. A better man.
And yet, why does it always like to torture me?

Why does it continue to haunt me?
To tear at my every piece of sanity with all its words of ‘promise’ and ‘hope’?
Even when you know, deep down, that it’s all for nothing?
That everything you’ve been doing up till now is just a waste?

Why am I still doing this?

I found myself asking that very question each and every time I’m at school. I lost count how many times I try to find what the answer to that question was.
No matter how many ways I think about it, the only answer I can come up with, each and every time I asked myself, is my silence.

Maybe I’m doing this just for the sake of doing it.
Or maybe I’m doing it because I like it.
But not for the reason you might think.

Maybe the reason why I’m still doing this to myself, cold very well be that I like it.
I like the feeling. The feeling of being trapped. The feeling of being controlled. The feeling of frustration creeping up your spine. Maybe I like being stressed out.

Some people can be addicted to the feelings of the body and mind.
The feeling of pain.
The feeling of grief.
The feeling of being alone.

I noticed that some people can be addicted to these things.
Another addiction is the addiction of excitement.
The adrenaline flowing in your body.

You know the feeling. Your heart beating. Your blood pumping. Your palms sweating. Like when you’re riding a rollercoaster.

I guess I’m addicted to stress. I don’t know.

Anyway, school.
Assignments + Tests + Time = Maximum stress mode?
I have so many work to do. From homework to notes.

I have the whole leadership thing, which I haven’t finish yet. Obviously. Duh.
Then there’s Maths. Here comes the stupid part.
When I’m doing the assignment, I feel really dumb.
Like I didn’t learn anything about the assignment.
Like it was a totally new thing.

It’s weird.

The rest of my work is more on arranging all my notes 
Then I have to make my own notes.

I know. All I’ve been doing up till now is complain and whine and stuffs when I could have used the time to get my work done instead.

Then I have the whole debate thing again. Seriously. I’m tired of it. I don’t mind researching. It’s interesting and fun and not all that difficult. But when it comes to doing the actual debate, I hate it. Okay, maybe I don’t really hate it but I don’t like it either. It’s a hassle to me. I just want to research. That’s all. If I can’t quit this debate thing, at least let me do something I want to do.

Then there’s this whole deal with the school politics. I know it’s not my business but I find it really childish. They’re all acting like children fighting in the playground. Fighting to see who has the more power or whatever. It’s just makes me feel… I don’t know. It’s just weird.

Anyway I guess that’s all. I need to get back to work now. Bye guys.

Sorry if this post offends anyone. That's not my intention.
I'm just voicing out my opinions. 

Labels: life, school, stress